I hated the hosts immediately.
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| Pineapple, candy corn, milk & booze together at last |
It's salt, not baby rhino tears. Get over yourselves. Unless the salt is made from dehydrated baby rhino tears, then I don't want to go over to your house anyway because what sort of jerk makes a baby rhino cry?
The whole thing is just a bad, bad idea.
When you invite a guest into your home, the goal is to make them feel special.
While a pre-printed cocktail menu outlining all the stuff you learned in your two-for-one Groupon mixology class might seem flattering at first glance, the second you hand over that menu, the focus of import shifts away from the guest and lands with an embarrassing thud right on you and your special cocktail menu of special specialness in an unbearably cringeworthy way.
The only thing your guest is left with is pressure.
If someone offered me a printed cocktail menu as a guest in their home, I'd die a little, then panic, then die again.
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| I'll have...the gibson |
No one wants to be the guest who sets back their host twenty bucks in booze or forces them to spend ages crushing artisanal mint leaves with a wooden muddler polished between the glowing thighs of a Peruvian virgin. Then I'd spend the rest of the night wondering if I chose wisely.
It's all so avoidable.
I am a good Episcopalian doing the best I can to remain orthodox in exile, so I could whip up anything from an Aviation to a Zombie if my guests so desired (no one has ever so desired either, which is fine with me because crème de violette smells and Zombies are a pain to make), but when it's cocktail time I usually make one or two nonchalant suggestions along with the regular highballs and spritzes and leave it at that.
Example:
"Can I fix you a drink? I've been on a Manhattan and Sazerac kick lately since we finally found some decent rye, but since we're having Italian I thought I'd go for a Campari and soda. The bar's pretty full, so pick your poison."
There. No printed menu needed. I've let them know we've got something special available --it's almost impossible to find good rye in Mexico-- but that it's not so precious as to be off-putting. I've offered them two cocktail choices, but also opened up the possibility of lighter fare since not everyone likes strong drinks or wants to be intimidated by your Prohibition-era prowess. That way they can enjoy their vodka tonic without fear of being silently judged by the Fancy Cocktail Police.
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| also good for the pip and bad humors |
They're both dead easy to make and not really worth the brag.
The goal is creating a superior product for your guest's enjoyment, not impressing them with your uncanny ability to let something sit in a jar for a few weeks.
What do you think about in-house cocktail menus at private homes?
What's the sign of a good host to you?
Put it in the comments.
Strikes me as a tad precious and self-aggrandizing. I'm with you, make a suggestion and leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteSeems very weird to me. Maybe the idea was to make things easier for guests who don't generally drink cocktails and have no idea what to ask for? Although I have beer and wine around for those folks so they don't feel embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteCan we get some bitters and maraschino recipes here? I'd love to make my own. Store maraschinos are so insanely terrible.
1. One word: Pretentious.
ReplyDelete2. A good host makes their guests comfortable and doesn't make a big show of how much trouble s/he has gone to.
Sure, I'll do some tutorials the next time I make either/both. They're both super easy, although if you live in a country where you can find decent bitters, I'd skip it unless you wanted to monkey around with the ingredients just for fun.
ReplyDeleteAs a guest, I cringe at the idea of host going through a ton of work for me. I think the suspension of disbelief is incredibly important in the guest/host relationship and it's hard to believe you're "really, no trouble at all." when you can see it takes fourteen steps just to mix a cocktail.
ReplyDeleteI'd cringe a bit at the printed cocktail menu because it's so... precious. (Honestly, it strikes me as the worst kind of Martha Stewart/Kinfolk crossover).
ReplyDeletePersonally, I'm a fan of the well-stocked bar (in our case, perhaps too-well-stocked, but The Husband likes mixing drinks as much as I like cooking, so...) and a similar offer to what you make.
Host-pet-peeve, though: I have a friend who only drinks high-end vodka, straight. Which I despise, and therefore we don't stock regularly, though we do make an effort to have some on hand when he's coming over, and we do have several excellent scotches, ryes, boubons, gins, and rhums (even good tequila, which, in Canada, takes some doing). We HAVE vodka, just not sipping vodka (averaging at 60$/bottle for what he drinks, on the low end). It's like... Dear. The bar is 1 foot thick and 6 feet long and we can't fit another bottle on the shelf. I'm sure you can find SOMETHING to suit your tastes.
I'm all for choices, but two dozen seems overwhelming to me. Even most craft cocktail bars I've visited keep a rotation of a dozen at most on any printed menu. I'd much rather have a suggestion than have to overthink it.
ReplyDeleteI am still retroactively cringing over the time I ordered the "wrong" cocktail at a restaurant; now I have to run the risk of doing it at a party? I'd say I'll just have a glass of wine, but for all I know that would be even worse.
ReplyDeleteIf he can't bother to broaden his horizons to include something from your enviably stocked bar, the least he could do would be to present you with a hostess gift of his preferred vodka. Not that it isn't boorish to give a gift like that if he knows you don't like it, but it's at least a tad more considerate than expecting someone to shell out for his particular and peculiar taste.
ReplyDeleteI guess it depends on the party; if it's a cocktails-focused party, and the guests know going in that this is what will be served and what the host is prepared to make, I don't have an issue with it. I mean, it's no less weird to have a cocktail menu at a cocktail-focused party than to have a crib sheet at a wine tasting.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, really, the whole pre-printed menu thing is a little Pinterest pwecious.
See? That's *exactly* what a good host wants to avoid!
ReplyDeleteI'll never forget the time my two best friends and I were on a British Airways flight from New York to London. My fellow Episcopalian, and I both ordered gin and tonics (of course, because what else would you order?) while my bff asked "do you have anything fruity and sweet?"
The poor flight attendant did his best to keep a straight face, but, being her best friends in the world, we both laughed at her mercilessly.
Now I secretly want to know what you ordered in a restaurant that was *wrong*
I think you nailed the exception. If it's one of those expand-your-knowledge parties, like a wine tasting or doing flights of Scotch then by all means, have something written down. But as part of regular entertaining? "Pinterest pwecious" is right.
ReplyDeleteIt's the necessary delusion of host and guest, isn't it - to make it look like nothing is an effort, on both sides! :)
ReplyDeletePerhaps I don't get out much, living as I do in East Central Butt Crack, but maybe they are excited about what they learned at their mixology class and are looking for an excuse to make all those drinks? So they had a party. I mean, I kind of get what you're saying, but I'd be looking at it like, "Hey, if they didn't want me to choose this drink with $20 worth of liquor in it, they obviously wouldn't have put it on the menu and invited me to this fabulous party!"
ReplyDeleteMaaaybe. Except one doesn't present menus at a party in a private home. Of course, you're probably a lot more generous of spirit than I am. Still, I can understand being excited about new knowledge. There's just got to be a less self-aggrandizing way to share it.
ReplyDeleteI guess I don't see what's cringeworthy. Silly maybe, but isn't that the point?
ReplyDeleteI'm with the crowd here on the cocktail menus; it kind of makes sense if the whole point of the party is that they took a cocktail class and are having a themed party. Otherwise it just seems odd to me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm feeling very out of the loop. I can't remember the last time I was at a party that involved any drinks more complicated than "white wine or red?". My social life is clearly in need of help!
I don't think silliness was the point. What makes me cringe, other than the pretentiousness and preciousness of it all, is putting the onus on the guest. A good host will do anything in their power to make a guest feel comfortable and at ease, and part of that is not showing off by making a gracious guest play Russian roulette with twenty four cocktails (and dutifully coo) to stroke your ego for being able to mix a drink, which any sophisticated adult over 25 should be able to do anyway.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with parties without hard liquor options!
ReplyDeleteCocktails are very hip now, and people who didn't grow up with them culturally are getting all het up about them. WASPs, especially Southern Episopalian WASPs are a cocktail loving people, so there's not really any novelty value to most of us. Having a party to specifically --as in expressly written-- show off your ability to mix a cocktail is like inviting someone over to your house to watch you tie your shoe. We appreciate the invitation, but don't understand the point.
Eh. I wasn't there, so I can't say if it was meant to be silly, which in my book makes it kind of light and fun, or some sort of self-aggrandizing show-offiness, in which case, sure, cringe away. But without details I'd assume silly. Then again, I am well over 25 and can make about four drinks, each featuring vodka and one other ingredient, so.
ReplyDeleteThe tell is if the drinks are served in mason jars.
ReplyDeleteNothing exciting, it was just one of their specialty cocktails on the menu and, since I was sitting at the bar, I got to see the bartender roll his eyes and "jokingly" grouse at me for ordering the gimmicky crap that made him have to do a bunch of work, and hunt around like he didn't even know they had the ingredients and generally make me feel like the shiniest rube to ever fall off the turnip truck. New York, go figure.
ReplyDeleteSixty dollars a bottle for an unaged neutral spirit? That's one expensive pretentiousness problem your friend has there.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, that same friend and I went to Off The Record, the most venerable old-school insider hotel bar in Washington DC, and while I ordered a 12 year old Scotch, she ordered something bright blue in a martini glass that smelled like sunscreen and may or may not have have gummy fish in it. I liketa died from embarrassment.
ReplyDelete... No comment.
ReplyDelete("Friends" like that are what you get when friends date mostly-quite-nice guys...)
It's the kind of thing that seems "classy" but is actually tacky. But I think it would be OK if it was a cocktail-themed party (as opposed to a cocktail party) because theme parties are by nature tacky and this is why we love them. (Says the person who still wants to have a Southern Rock party.)
ReplyDeleteBut your overall point about a good host/ess not putting the focus on themselves is well taken.
My bestie once ordered a chocolate "martini" in a very elegant hotel bar we stopped in one night. I forgave her.
Oh, for criminy's sake. Pretentious much?
ReplyDeleteThey're recent transplants to Brooklyn, aren't they? Just the sort of people that make me want to say, "I'm FROM Brooklyn, so you can just spare me, m'kay?"
You're right, of course. A good part of any theme party's delightfulness is its inherent tackiness. As for the chocolate martinis, my bff and I can't even talk about martinis, because she loves the most embarrassing abominations possible --even better if it's got a cutesy name like the Starfucker Martini at Lola's in West Hollywood-- while I'm a purist. I don't know why it bothers me as much as it does. Possibly the desire to be perceived as highbrow while having such lowbrow tastes. If you're lowbrow, go the full John Waters and relish it!
ReplyDeleteI don't know the couple personally, but Austin has more than its fair share of aspiring mixologists with advanced degrees in ironic mustache waxing who think they're the first ones to discover a well-made Manhattan. It's some sort of dastardly Portland/Austin/Brooklyn cyclone and one of the reasons I'm glad I left Austin when I did.
ReplyDeleteI'd just get a Black Russian. Easy for everybody involved.
ReplyDeleteBut I know f*ckall about craft cocktails.
That is what happens when you're descended from a long line of peasants: you can't sniff at pretentious parvenus.
I'd probably appreciate the effort, though. (Even if it's a silly effort.) Who doesn't love to make-pretend at feeling special, for a spell? Because isn't that what unicorn mixology and private dinner parties are all about? (Soul-shriveled servicing analyst by day, bartender at swank speakeasy by night.)
As for me, just give me my watery Tsingtao or Harbin beer and a plate of something spicy and greasy (preferably lamb) and we'll meet in meat-Valhalla at a hole in the wall.
I see what you are saying but I think my Tribe members would enjoy perusing the possibilities and picking something they don't normally ask for. We've often talked about how we seem to eat and drink the same things over and over...the menu would make it easy for guests to break out of that pattern, should they desire to. I don't know the names of many drinks so I know I would like being offered a menu that included lists of ingredients. At bare minimum, it's a conversation starter.
ReplyDeleteOne of my most successful parties included printouts of drink recipes taped to my kitchen cabinets. All of the ingredients for the drinks were available and the equipment needed was laid out. Throughout the night, guests discussed ingredients and then took turns mixing batches of drinks. People had a lot of fun trying drinks they never had before. Since it was a costume party, all of the drinks had been renamed to reflect the Halloween theme. Was it cheesy? Yes. Was it loads of fun? Hell, yeah!
The menu seems over the top. Okay for a theme party, though.
ReplyDeleteIt would just make me ask for ice water.
dcsurfergirl
I'm of two minds. On the one hand, if the menu was produced with a wink and a nod at one of those "cigar and cocktail" faux-retro dress-up dinners then I'd probably enjoy it. If it was a regular ole' come-for-dinner thing I'd probably give it a good side-eye (and, although also Episcopalian, I am equal measures contrary and I'd order to make them regret ever having made the menu in the first place). As with most things, context is key.
ReplyDeleteNow that you've put the DIY bitters and cherries on the table, could I tempt you to share the recipes and how-tos?
What is your preferred rye? I picked up a bottle of Builleit Rye tonight, as I had had their bourbon before. I'm a noob rye drinker, however, (I admit I have a bit of an obsession with trying "retro" cocktails outside the realm of G&Ts...I swear MadMen had nothing to do with it) I am more than willing to learn!
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I think the host might have just been a hobby mixologist and excited about the idea of making fun cocktails and having it in a cocktail party setting. I personally would have ordered whatever I wanted, no matter how complicated it seems. But you know more about the hosts and this party so I guess there is probably more to it. I am a hobby cook and baker but my husband is diabetic and we avoid sugar and carbs in our daily meals, so whenever I have people over, I bake up a storm. I also bake my own bread, not because I am so super fancy but because I enjoy doing it and I serve that bread when I have people over. Now I am not sure if that "makes people feel bad" and if I am going over the top and making it all about me.
ReplyDeleteI once read -- I don't know where -- that point of a cocktail party was to all be drinking the same cocktail. I hosted one where the featured drink was called "Mary's Knees." I don't remember what it had in it, but we all ended up doing the dirty boogie in my living room, so it must have been good!
ReplyDeleteWe usually do it the way you suggest: offer to provide drinks and then throw out some suggestions. I agree with others below that if it were a themed party it might work but otherwise is just waay too cute.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were just in San Francisco. We thought about going to Bourbon & Branch but it was just too much work to make reservations for cocktails. Well, we happened to end up seated next to one of their managers at another bar and he invited us over. The place has a Temperance Union sign outdoors, requires a password to get in, and has a fake entryway that looks like a shelf of books. I am so glad we didn't go the reservation route--the faux-speakeasy theatre is not my thing. The actual drinks obtained the proper way (through connections of long-standing, like 45 min) were outstanding.