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| Fact: 89% of childhood domestic violence stems from this shit right here |
--live on the beach
--have a cool dog
--use six spoons when making brownies so everyone gets one to lick.
But Paco* is my favorite and the only one I want to adopt.
He's heartbreakingly sweet and innocent, almost inconceivably so considering he's a pre-pubescent tween from the worst part of Tijuana and his parents are going through a hideous, all-screaming all-throwing divorce.
I love him with the sort of pure, crystalline love I normally reserve for good Scotch and shiny things.
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| Like this, with mall bangs |
Aside from being sweet and innocent, he's also smart, charming, funny and a little chubby, like a Latino Bobby Hill.
Last summer, he ran shirtless and giddy along the beach with his younger, skinny cousins. He let his belly fly and it did my heart good to see a fat person --even a junior varsity fat person-- be that free and open on the beach.
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| Seriously, how can you NOT love Bobby Hill? |
It was way less awkward than giving his teenage brother a handful of The Best Condoms Ever, and any strike against the heartbreak of thigh chafing is on the side of the well-lubricated angels.
Now Paco's on a diet.
He's worried about being fat and that worries me.
His family constantly mentions his stomach, drawing attention to it even in front of strangers.
HLB --nicknamed Gordito before puberty put an end to his pudge-- has called them out on it, and stopped calling his twin 5 nephews Flaco and Gordo. I know those nicknames are standard operating procedure in Latin America, but it still makes my blood boil.
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| Every mirror is a funhouse mirror with cool new Body Dysmorphia |
But the family --of which HLB is the only svelte member-- saves their worst for already sensitive Paco, and he suffers for it big time.
As if this kid, as if any kid, doesn't have enough problems just trying to grow up in a messed up world, now his family --the people who are responsible for loving him and not fucking him up-- have to make fun of his weight, too?
Oh, and did I mention he's on a diet despite living in a house where there's rarely any food?
The week after HLB's birthday party, which included a piñata with some money in it, he discovered Paco used his winnings to buy a sack of potatoes and some eggs. Apparently his mother's newfound freedom included freedom from keeping food in the house while she was cheap lycra and acrylic square-tipping it up with her boyfriend who SPOILER ALERT is almost definitely a) married b) affiliated with a cartel.
And you're going to give the kid crap for a bit of pudge? Really?
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| "Gosh I really hope I can scramble up enough pesos to provide myself with basic human sustenance" said no happy kid ever |
Everyone knows I gave up shame the same year I gave up Electric Youth as my signature scent, but shouldn't failing to provide for your children rank just a little higher on the Shame Spectrum than having a pre-pubescent potbelly?
We provide for him as best we can through a series of carefully-constructed coincidences specially designed for maximum face-saving (he's probably already feeling pretty low about his parents, no need to make it worse), all while counting down the days until we can afford to have him live with us full time.
Until then I need your help.
If you were a chubby kid with a rotten home life and incompetent self-involved parents --not exactly a muscle-ripping stretch for some of us-- what would you have liked to hear from an adult who loved you?
I'd like to think HLB and I are proof positive that a big person can find love with a great partner, but what else should I make sure to tell him? I'm new to the whole nurturing thing, so help a sister out and put it in the comments.
*Not his real name, of course
Talk to him about the world at large (politics, sports, science, whatever) and let him explain and teach things he's interested in. I was (am) a nerdy fat girl, but having people clearly respect your opinions, and care what you have to say goes a loooong way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, oh how I WISH someone had shared the magic of body glide with me. Particularly before I was nearly in tears after a day at Disney World on my senior class trip.
I really like what Jess says here. So true!
DeleteI STILL have discoloration on my inner thighs thanks to childhood chub rub.
DeleteThat's great advice, Jess. I'm so far removed from both pop culture and kid stuff that almost anything he shares will be novel to me.
Anything! Just making time for him and really talking to him, as in really listening to what he says and not just absentmindedly nodding, will be as or more valuable than any particular thing you could say.
ReplyDeleteI think you're totally right. It's a little tricky because it's harder for me to understand his Spanish, but he spends so much time alone he must get bored. I know I was desperate for someone to listen to me when I was his age. Whenever I'd try to tell my mother she'd literally pretend I was sucking the life out her.
DeleteI too would say to talk about the greater world than the immediate sphere of his life. Introduce him to classic literature and things OUT THERE. Treat him as an adult, it will bolster his confidence that people value his opinion about things.
ReplyDeleteI really want to take him traveling. He doesn't have a visa so he can't leave the country, but I'd really like to get that fixed. The tough thing for me is walking that line between treating him as an adult in the positive, respectful way while still being aware that he probably is tired of having to be an adult and just wants to be a kid.
DeleteListen to him. Value his opinions about his life and things in general. Allow him to make mistakes. At the same time, make sure that he knows that you are there to counsel him when he makes those mistakes. It's a tricky balance but it works :-)
DeleteRole models. He needs to see people of size succeeding in all kinds of ways.
ReplyDeleteAnd absolutely agree with Jess-- talk to him about the world beyond his little corner. Talk to him about his interests. Poor child. Any chance his parents would take you up on an offer to get him off their hands? Even if it's just temporary during a period of transition, spending time with you guys will show him he can aspire to a different kind of life.
Oh I'm convinced they'd let us take him. It's much more culturally common here for kids to hop from one place to another, depending on who can afford to feed another mouth. I'd like for him to be able to realize that the life his uncle and I have --we live very simply but very well-- isn't some escapist fantasy, it's reasonable and achievable. Thanks for your advice.
DeleteI am what you'd call an "average-looking" woman. I am not pretty or ugly. The conventional way to build up the confidence of women like me is to tell us how beautiful we are, or find our most lovely features and tell us how lovely they are. I get compliments about my eyes, my hair, blahblah. But now that I am approaching middle age, I look back and realize that the people who have always made me feel the most loved, secure, and supported never commented one way or the other about my looks. They just flat-out did not acknowledge that I was anything but a personality. Every time I think about that, it takes my breath away. It's a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteI remember once I got teased for being pale (this was in Hawaii, where it's normal to be brown). My aunty gave a dismissive *psssh*. "Haven't they ever seen a white person before?" I loved that. It made the other girl the weird one, and not me!
I love your aunty. Yeah, I was on the receiving end of WAY too many SuchAPrettyFaces to comment on someone's looks. It's tough because I want him to know there are plenty, PLENTY of people who find a larger body attractive, but complimenting physical characteristics too often makes the ones I DON'T comment on seem more valuable, and that's not something I'd like to do.
DeleteLove this advice, from everyone. The people in your life you remember with the most positive emotion are the ones who made you feel loved and/or important. And that's not nearly as much about what you say as it is about what you do. It's so sad to see that point where kids become self-conscious about their looks. One summer, they are running free on the beach, and the next, they are tugging their t-shirt down so their tummy doesn't hang out. I think the best we can do is adore them for who they are and constantly help them remember how wonderful they really are.
ReplyDeleteI vaguely remember that body shame transition from my own childhood, but I guess I wasn't prepared for it with a boy. I do love that kid though and he's so great. I just wish the people responsible for taking care of him would understand that.
DeleteI think Jess has it 100% right. Mind over body, and empathy, empathy, empathy. The thing we all want most is to be seen and loved for *who* we are.
ReplyDeleteIt's the angels' work you're doing here, Rhiannon. Good on you.
Thanks Rubiatonta. I don't know that it's the angels' work, but it's something I would've wanted when I was a kid. Plus it'll burn off a few hours of purgatory, and Lord knows I need that.
DeleteOh, how I wish body glide had been invented when I was younger....
ReplyDelete...but as for your young friend, I do not know if he would have liked to hear what I would have liked to hear, which were sincere compliments. Not just about appearance, but about anything other than schoolwork. To follow on to the above comments, something like "Wow, I didn't know that. Now I do - thanks for telling me."
It's about approval of simply who you are, and acknowledgement that you and your actions are valued.
Right? Like, chafing could not have just started when we were young, yet no one, NO ONE, told me how to deal with it. What's that about? Some days I looked like I had a cocaine party in my pants because I overdid it on my baby powder.
DeleteAll of the above comments are wonderful and I would definitely do each and every one of them.
ReplyDeleteI would also add:
Make sure he has every social skill that will make him feel comfortable in any social setting. Work on his dancing if needed. Make sure he has manners (I'm sure he already has many) so he can be in any social setting with confidence and explain why this stuff is important. Can he sing or play the piano if interested? Yes I understand he is in a heart breaking place but his sense of being able to be more needs to be fed.
Teach him english - being bi-lingual is a fantastic skill.
I would also make sure he has everything he needs for school and that you take an interest in how he is doing there.
One of the great things is he's already got pretty great social skills. I just want to make sure they don't get buried under a lump of teenage embarrassment.
DeleteThis whole thing started last year when the older brother, 18 now, dropped out to work because they didn't have school supplies. Now, the Mexican public school system lets you go back to school a little more easily than the US does, so it's not that big a deal here, but I made sure those kids had every possible school supply they'd ever need.
You're right on about teaching him English, and of course, he can always help me with my Spanish.
I think everyone's advice is good and that you're doing a very good job from what you say. Keep him active in school and help him with his homework. Praise his academic efforts or whatever gifts he may exhibit--writing, drawing, making sand angels. As a librarian, I'm a fan of loading kids up with books on subjects they like. I also dole out lots of hugs, "you can do it, champ" chin cuffs, and "tomorrow will be a little bit better" wisdom. Also, ice cream treats.
ReplyDeleteI'm at a loss for books. It's just not a reading culture here, which is a shame because there's some great Latino literature out there. I'm trying to find him translations of books I loved at that age, but it's slow going.
DeleteCatch him doing things right -- being kind to others, keeping his cool in a tough situation, working hard on his homework, competing in sports while also having a good time. If you can gain his trust, talk openly about being fat -- don't treat it like something shameful that needs to be hidden, but just a fact of life, some people are fatter than others. Let him have comfort foods if he wants them, but make sure he has the tools to find comfort in other ways as well -- by spending time with good friends, for example, or doing something nice for someone else, or reading a good book or going to a favorite place like the beach.
ReplyDeleteI think finding more than one way of seeking comfort is key. I didn't necessarily have that and although I'm still not really a comfort food eater (boredom eaters FTW!) the more coping mechanisms, the better.
DeleteIf I'm going to be honest though, with as tempting and easy a lure as drugs are here, if he seeks solace in a pot of mashed potatoes, that's A-OK by me.
In addition to all the wonderful suggestions already made, perhaps now and then you can find a way for him to help *you*? What I mean is that, as he gets older, he will become aware that his aunt and uncle are on his side and doing (and have done) so much for him. Awareness of that can be overwhelming and could prevent someone for asking for...well, anything, really but in particular the Big Deal support that's sometimes needed. But if he had - even if by "coincidence" - the opportunity to contribute to your relationship I bet it would go a long way to bolstering his resiliency and self-perception of being of value. A lot of our self esteem comes from being needed and being able to contribute.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. It is important for him to feel like an important part of a family. Without opportunity to help keep the household going, he might feel like a visitor. Plus, if he is to turn away from the less-than-desirable influences around him, he will need to learn a new way of life...through your teaching. That might sound a bit ethnocentric but there it is.
DeleteThat's an EXCELLENT point. Obviously he'd be coming to live with us not because we're getting him out of a bad situation, but because HLB needs help around the house and I need a Spanish tutor. I always put him to some sort of fun work when he visits, --gathering limes from the tree and squeezing them for limonada--because the first time he came over, he was afraid to touch anything.
DeleteI would add:
ReplyDelete1. Include him in your everyday activities and ask him to help -- grocery shopping, standing in line to pay the phone bill, etc.
2. While doing errands together, chatter inconsequently about things and explain/teach about life and stuff. Like, oh, I need to buy eggs today. Eggs are so good to eat, they have a lot of protein. Protein is important to eat because it helps you repair and grow your muscles. Blah blah blah. (Don't divide foods into "good" or "bad," I'm not endorsing that. But it's a good opportunity to talk about nutrition, healthy eating habits, etc.)
3. Use grown up words when you talk to him--I never ask a young person older than 6 if they are "afraid." Sounds too childish. I use "worried" or "concerned.
4. Answer his questions honestly, even if they are difficult. I've never lied to my kids about anything. (Yes, your Aunt is dead. She got sick and the doctors couldn't fix her. She was very very old, older than your granddad, and she had a good life. It's okay to be sad, I miss her too. No, I'm not very old, and I'm not sick, so you don't have to worry about me. Etc.) When I'm not ready to answer a question, I promise to do it when I'm older.
5. No poking/prodding for him to share. He'll clam up. But if you create a safe environment by 1) chattering a lot about life as if he understood and 2) always answering anything he asks without flying off the handle or reacting critically, he'll eventually come to you with anything.
And, since I'm SO ready with advice, I should add:
ReplyDelete1. I hate the "self-esteem" movement. Kids need the self-confidence that comes from being competent, not the self-regard that comes from being constantly told "you're wonderful the way you are." Life is hard, they need skills to do well, and they need to know how to overcome adversity. Teach him how to do stuff--cook, sew, carpentry, clamming, gardening, soccer, baseball -- anything you know how to do that he is reasonably interested in. My kids have helped me cook since they were 2. I've taught my 7-year-old how to put air in the tires of our car (with my help, of course!). I think it's a mistake to say, "oh, he's just a kid, I don't want him to grow up too fast." Let him be a kid, but teach him how to grow up!
2. Encourage good habits, which are more important than innate abilities at surviving life. I try never to tell my kids something like "look at the 100 on your math test! You're so smart!" Instead I try to say "Look at that 100 on your math test! You must have practiced a lot!" Practicing makes you competent, and it's something a kid can control.
3. Remember what you do is FAR more important than what you say. Live the life of the kind of person you want Paco to grow up to be. And kids are ALWAYS watching.
That's an excellent point on praising work rather than smarts. I've known a lot of kids who, being told they were so smart, would give up on anything that didn't come easily (uh, like me until about age 25.) Thanks for all this great advice!
DeleteI was tutoring a young man in math one evening when another student looked over and said, "You're having trouble with that? You must be dumb." I sent the other kid away and the young man looked at me with these great, pain-filled eyes and asked, "Am I really dumb not to be able to do this?" and I had to explain that math is like basketball, or riding a bike. When you've never done it before, it's hard. But once you've learned how and practice a lot, it comes easy. Not to worry, it will come. Stayed with me forever.
DeleteSounds like he needs what he ought to be getting from his mom, which is unconditional love and acceptance. So instead of giving him the "it gets better" speech, just do as much everyday stuff with him as possible.
ReplyDeleteI agree with whoever said that kids need to learn competence, but I'm also a fan of setting up little guys for success; teach him to play to his strengths and succeed that way.
And it sounds like you already don't talk about his belly, and that is how it should be. I have one stringbean son and one who will never be a stringbean. We stress eating healthy and exercise for everyone equally.
I try to model for him in a way that I can talk openly about my big body without self-deprecation or making a big deal about it. It's just one of those things. I totally agree about setting kids up for success. Happiness is achievable goals.
DeleteWell, right; tall, short, skinny, not skinny...it's just how it is. Blue eyes, red hair, whatever. There are pluses and minuses to practically every physical attribute.
DeleteThe modeling is the best possible thing, which is why I hope you get to keep him. Beyond his body size, it sounds like he could use some better role models generally.
I wish my mom had shown me that bigger people can be as successful as thinner people. She has always talked about how she would get ahead more in life if she was thinner. She lives with awful foot pain because she sees it as a punishment for being 'obese'. Kids pick up on little things like that, and then they won't tell you when they're hurt or sick. Don't ever speak badly of yourself, because they will think you're talking about them too. My mom weighs 170 pounds, and she talks about herself like she's lower than dirt because of it. What must she think of 230 pound me? Make him understand that more weight does not equal less attractiveness. I know that your relationship proves that, but it could seem like an exception to him. And for the love of God, if a doctor makes him feel like crap, don't make him go back!
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather would talk to me about my weight because he was worried it would hinder my success in the workplace. Now, as adults we all know there are sizist jerks everywhere, and some of those people are in charge of hiring employees, but that was NOT what I needed to hear as a teenager/early twenties fat girl just starting on her own.
DeleteLISTEN to him about anything he wants to talk about. Give him your undivided attention. Assure him through both your words and gestures that nothing at all that he can say or do and no matter what size he is, you will love him unconditionally. Focus on the parts of his life that transcend the physcial body, from things as simple as a cool frog that you saw the other day to chatting about his beliefs and what is the universe, etc. I wish my parents had done this for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to add anything to all the well-thought out wonderful comments above but I'll add a random and highly specific suggestion that popped into my head. If he's having trouble getting groceries around the house, I'm betting there's a similar shortage of properly fitting kid-appropriate clothes for him to wear, which will exacerbate any embarrassment he has about all the attention to his body (we've been there, right?). So maybe find an excuse to occasionally show up with a couple of cool shirts that fit properly?
ReplyDeleteLots of good advice here, especially about *needing* him rather than *helping* him.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned that you want to be in a place where you can afford to have him full time. Would you be open to setting up a "sponsorship" that would allow people to donate? Maybe estimate what you would need for a year until the new family settles in to its routine?
Sound like the sooner you have him full-time, the better.
Not sure if it is an option in your area, but what about taking classes with him in an area/ skill you want to learn and he may find fun or useful? Ask him questions and of course listen to the answer. Lots of suggestions about talking to him ( with him? ), but quiet time can be important too. I got this mental image of someone just nattering on and on, and I find that absolutely draining. Pay attention how he handles various settings - big crowds, quiet museums, small groups, new places - and help him gain confidence and skills, especially in settings he finds less comfortable. It's great if he accepts his body, but it is also ok if he wants to work toward reasonable specific goals like losing weight or building muscle or stamina or... He just needs to hear he is ok how he is, and you'll support him working toward changes he wants.
DeleteI'm parent who is just not by nature the best with kids. (I adore mine, but I often don't "get" them.) Just reading all this advice is fabulous. Thank you, Rhiannon, for starting this conversation. I think you'll agree that this is one of the last places I would have looked for parenting advice. Love it!
ReplyDeleteWhat excellent feedback from everyone! I don't have anything original to add (like Madame X just above me, I'm not great with kids, so a lot of this is useful perspective for me too), but I just wanted to wish you good luck in this. I hope it will be better for all of you than you could even have imagined. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteYep I was a fat girl growing up. It was tough but my piano teacher really nurtured me. It was not only learning the notes but she taught how to listen inside myself ~ to hear the perfect sound of me and celebrate it.
ReplyDeleteSo my 2-cents is to listen and nurture. Just being interested says a whole lot!
Simply being present and engaged and interested in him and loving him will do so much more than any Words of Wisdom I could come up with. Telling him he's handsome. Pointing out his talents. Remembering the things he likes. Sharing the things you like with him. All of this. Basically, just be my grandpa, except for the dead part.
ReplyDelete